[Serious] Surviving Metformin: You might shit your pants*.

Oh, the wonderful world of PCOS; I have plenty of eggs, but they all got held back in preschool, which, apparently, is not so great for fertility.  So my useless, tiny, immature ova are getting a kick in the pants by a miracle laxative drug called metformin.

I know a lot of things about this process and all the pharmaceuticals involved, but honestly, the most I know about metformin is that it is a drug used to treat diabetes and pre-diabetes that also seems to level out hormones in PCOS patients.  Unfortunately, that’s where the excitement ends.

Let me tell you about the side effects:

diarrhea: Do you ever reminisce the feeling you had after you overindulged at an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet in a landlocked state with one desert road in and one desert road out?  Metformin might be the drug for you!

nausea & vomiting: Have you ever been curious what it would be like to have the stomach flu for weeks straight?  Are your favorite foods pre-chewed and served in a vat of stomach acid?  Do you enjoy the sensation of sitting in a boat rocking on murky water, riding a precariously-installed carnival ride that spins a little more than it should, or being passenger in the backseat of a humid car reading a wordy novel while speeding through a windy mountain road?  Metformin will provide!

heartburn: Are you periodically tempted to swallow whole bottles of hot sauce and chase them with a bite of lye soap?  Would you like to know what the fire of actual hell feels like?  Metformin can show you!

I’d like to be a woman of my word and tell anyone who has come across this blog post seeking reprieve from the above that there is actually a survival plan–but I’d be lying.  I’ve spent the past week living off of a steady diet of steamed rice and spoonfuls of peanut butter.  I drink Pepto Bismol like it’s water.  I’ve tried Zantac (don’t do it unless you want to risk lactic acidosis, a lovely condition which turns your blood acidic and kills 25-50% of the people that it strikes), Nexium (didn’t touch it; also not pregnancy safe), Tums (great for about 15 minutes), and Phenergan (it sort of worked but is also not pregnancy safe).  The jury is out on Prevacid since I threw that up.

The bright side: my jeans fit better.  Involuntary bulimia probably has something to do with that.  We’ll see if it actually impacted my fertility when I go for my scan on Friday.

May the force be with everyone walking this long, painful, road with me.  It is paved in stomach acid, sweat, and tears, and littered with empty containers of antiemetics, but hopefully we all get what we want at the end.

*I have not shit my pants.  Yet.