Day 1: I’m scared and alone.

I had my consultation with the fertility clinic on Thursday afternoon.  From a medical standpoint, things went well.  Most of my labwork directly relating to fertility (so far) is normal.  My ultrasound was normal.  My Vitamin D is extremely low and I’m now on a mild prescription dose (jk it’s actually 50,000IU twice a week) of Vitamin D until my number, at the very least, doubles.  I don’t have results back from my AMH, LH, or FSH yet, I don’t know my CMV status (important when deciding on a donor), and I had a full genetic panel done which I should be able to see results from in the next 1-2 weeks.  Next up is the HSG, a super exciting and fun-sounding procedure in which dye is injected into my uterus through a catheter in my cervix to examine the shape of my uterus and whether or not my tubes are open.  Yay!

Anyway, the ball is rolling, and that’s the important part, even if a lot of this is highly unpleasant.

The thing is that I never leave an appointment totally happy.  Because honestly, if my husband were still here, all of this poking and prodding, all of these invasive procedures–they probably wouldn’t be happening; and if they did, at least I’d have him by my side.

I’ve never felt more lonely in my life than I do when I get home from an appointment regarding my fertility.  I spend hours, days even, crying for my husband, wishing he were here to hold me or hold my hand through all of this.

I just want to tell someone about my day.  I want to lie in bed with someone who loves me and can tell me it’s all worth it and wants to hold me and pet my head and rub my feet and promise to be by my side.

And at the same time, I don’t want that, because no one is Ron.

So then I think all I really need is my mom, but of course, she can’t be here at the drop of a hat.  And then I start questioning everything.  Can I do this on my own?  If I can’t even get through this “easy” part, am I ready for the harder stuff down the road?  Am I making a huge, life-altering mistake?  Can someone want something as badly as I want this and still be wrong in the decision they make to pursue it?

Nothing in my life is charted territory.  There are no quick Google searches, no forums online or in person, full of people who have “been there, done that.”  And there is nothing scarier than this isolation right now.

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Widowed at 26. Blogging about life, death, and everything in-between. #LookTwiceSaveALife #ShareTheRoad #MotorcycleAwareness

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